He left over two decades ago. At the time, it was one of the most painful losses I’d experienced. Tossed aside was an eighteen year marriage, a “complete” family for my children, and the plans we had made for our future. It took two years for me to feel “normal” again. I had to let go of it all, deny hope of reconciliation, and move on.
Lately I’ve begun to wonder, after a tearing apart of two people, where does the love go … the love my husband Rich and I shared. The love that I fought to maintain?
Many years have passed since then. I married again, and was subsequently widowed. After the children were grown, contact with Rich was sporadic, only hearing about him through them. Last month his sister informed us that Rich was very ill with an infection in his leg, resulting from a disease of the arteries. First his heel was removed. But the infection had spread to his toes, which were amputated two weeks ago. It was then that I started agonizing over his pain and loss. I began adding prayers for peace and healing to my prayers for his salvation, which had begun when I came to know the Lord 40 years ago.
However, the sadness and worry for him that I was suddenly experiencing made me wonder why. Why was I on the verge of tears for this man whom I rarely see and don’t love anymore, except as my girls’ dad. Sure, we had maintained respect for each other all these years, but the love was long gone.
Where does the love go?
Following his surgery an MRI and blood work were performed to ensure the infection was removed. Sadly, the infection was instead creeping through the bones of his right leg. His very life was in danger now, with the only hope being amputation of his leg above the knee.
This past Friday night he adamantly refused the surgery. It didn’t make sense to us. He would say, “It’s all in God’s hands.” The entire weekend I was a wreck, distraught, anxious, and praying for healing over and over again. Weeping. I would also ask, “What’s going on, Lord? Why am I so upset?”
At the core of my angst was concern that he would die without Jesus. Feeling helpless being 1200 miles away, I called and asked my brother and his wife to go visit him in the hospital, since they live nearby. I also called on a local pastor friend in his town who sent two different pastors to pray with him. Between these 4 people, I was sure to find out where his heart was spiritually. People ask me, why do you still care? Strange question. No matter what our past, forgiveness was long ago. Besides, how can I not care whether my girls father will be with Christ in eternity?
Even when we reject Jesus, He still remains faithful to continue to pursue us, guide us, lead us, and love us. His love is not something that comes and goes, as ours does. His is agape … selfless, pure, strong, unchanging God-love. He is love; he doesn’t hide it or deny us of it, ever.
Romans 8:38-39, For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
This point of clarity helps me to more fully grasp the awesome nature of God who reveals his love freely always, it is tireless and perpetual. Our goal should be to love like that, should it not? Whether for an ex-spouse or wayward family member, or for someone whom we struggle to forgive. Agape love goes a long way to heal hearts and restore relationships. It requires letting go of hurts, seeing people as eternal beings who will either be forever with Christ or not. And most of all, it requires being filled with God’s Spirit, who does the loving for us.
Ready for the good news? Two days later Rich agreed to the amputation and is healing very well. Even better news: Following my brother’s and the pastors’ visits I was told that Rich proclaimed knowing Jesus as His Lord and Savior. He had expressed it in many ways with his sister and others, before and during this crisis. I don’t know how long it has been since he put his faith in God; that doesn’t matter. I am just incredibly happy to now be able to call him my brother in Christ.
All praise to God, who doesn’t waste any painful situation to teach us lessons about ourselves and Himself, and to reveal His perpetual agape love to us. To God be the glory!
