A Season of Sadness

I used to joke that my spiritual gift was “suffering.” Of course it was tongue in cheek because I am keenly aware that others have and are going through so much more pain than I will most likely ever experience. Having said that, it is also true that we can’t compare our sorrow against someone else’s. It’s our pain. We own it. It’s valid in its own right. The important thing is what we do with it. How we handle it.

Following my surgery in June, I wrote an update (Scary Prayer3) praising God that not only do I not have cancer, but that during that season I was profoundly lifted up by the prayers of friends. Since that update, I have been unable to write, except in my own journal. Why? Soon after the surgery I began feeling a deep and uncontrollable sadness, an unidentified sense of loss. In my desperation to understand why I was on the verge of tears all the time, I spoke with a counselor friend who suggested that I ask God to show me what losses or wounds needed God's touch, perhaps to be grieved, as well as what lies of the enemy I was believing that needed the light of God’s truth.  As I prayed and sought counsel, the reasons for the sadness started to emerge.

Over the last couple of months, God has shown (and is still revealing) very old wounds that I had not fully grieved. It is so odd that after all these years, suddenly I’m faced with pain from the past. Why now? I don’t have an answer, except to say that most likely, during the several weeks of my contemplating the possibility of dying from cancer, God was answering your prayers and mine for my healing. God wants our entire being to be whole: spiritually, emotionally and physically. Ecclesiastes 3 states that for everything there is a season: “A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.” This must be my season.

After my husband, Mark, died of cancer in 2003, I grieved his death for years. However, there were many painful memories of our life together that I refused to look at. I would shut those memories out as soon as they started to pop into my thoughts. I avoided thinking of them so that I could prevent the sorrow the memories brought with them … until three years ago.

I had been asked to speak in a chapel service where I was working at the time. I thought it might be a good idea to share a part of my story that would give my coworkers an idea of where I came from and what God had done for me during a difficult time in my life. During my 30 minute talk, I could feel the stress in my body. The emotion was so deep that afterward I thought I had wept through the entire talk, but I hadn’t wept at all. After sharing, I left the room and within 10 minutes suffered a mild heart attack – the doctors called it Broken Heart Syndrome, which is caused from a “sudden emotional event.” In the days following the heart attack, it was clear to me that I needed help with this problem of avoiding tough memories…yet I did nothing about it.

One of my favorite things about our loving Father is that He knows our heartfelt needs and will orchestrate events in our lives to make a way to meet those needs. It appears He has chosen this season to open His arms to me and say, “Come to me, give me your pain, allow the grief, it will not kill you. I will heal you.”

At the start of this process, God led me to the Bible, the epistle of James, a book I had studied for months and had written a Bible study on 25 years ago. He spoke to me through a passage I knew well, but this time instead of it being an admonition to forsake sin and repent, it was a personal call for me to face the reasons for my sadness with Him by my side.

James 4:7-10 reads, “Come near to God and He will come near to you…Grieve, mourn, and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom … Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up.” He was giving me permission to mourn.

Isaiah 43:19 is another passage that continues to give me hope. “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”

So there it is, a background for future stories. As God permits, I will share what He is teaching me on this path of healing. I invite you to come along, to comment, to share what He is doing in your heart if you, too, allow Him to come in and heal your wounds.

By His grace and for His glory,

Sandy
August 28, 2010

Lessons from the Scary Place3

I’ve recently shared two of the life lessons God has been teaching me the last months as I faced several medical issues; here is the third.

When I was told I may have thyroid cancer spread to the lungs, I was at first frightened and numb, totally helpless to do anything about it. It was clear that this is one problem I wouldn’t be able to solve on my own. My desperate need for God’s touch, prayer from family and friends, and of medical understanding took over my emotions. It was possible that I might be facing the end of my life. However, in a matter of hours people started praying. My former churches spread the word to pray. My family, friends, friends of friends, and coworkers got on their knees. I learned later that hundreds of people were praying for me . . . and I was no longer afraid. God’s peace rained on me like cool refreshing water. During the entire 3 weeks that I underwent tests, poking, blood draws, x-rays and needle biopsies, and as I awaited the results, I felt pure joy, not an ounce of fear (well, that’s not exactly true…I had fear of pain during the lung biopsy). It was evident to me as I went about my daily routine like nothing was wrong, that I was experiencing Philippians 4:6-7, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I am confident that your prayers of faith on my behalf kept the fear at bay. I was in a bubble of peace while others agonized in prayer for my healing. God was answering your intercessory prayers on my behalf.

During those weeks of waiting, God reminded me of the dozens of serious problems in which he had intervened and overcome in the course of my life; the protection He gave and still gives; the healing and hope He has wrought in my soul; and most of all, the promise of eternal life through His Son. In my heart, it boiled down to this: If He were to take me “home,” would that be such a bad thing? When it comes right down to it, isn’t that our ultimate goal—eternity with our God and Savior?

While you were interceding for me, I was meditating on God’s promises; His promise to provide peace as we trust in Him. He promise that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. He vows that if we trust Him, He will give us the desires of our hearts. There are hundreds of passages we can claim as God’s promises. Not in a flippant, name it and claim it sort of way, but as a result of spending time with God everyday, praying His Word back to Him, adjusting our thinking to His, getting to know Him, interceding on behalf of others, and believing that every Word of scripture pertains to us personally.

Just before I entered the potential medical malaise, I was reading a book by Donna Partow in which she writes, “While sometimes God does say No, the clear teaching and example of scripture is that He much prefers to say Yes. Yet too often, we give up praying before we get to Yes!….God did not create prayer as an exercise in futility. He created prayer as a tool to bring heaven’s power to bear upon the affairs of the earth.”

My third lesson in the Scary Place? Never underestimate the power of prayer. One Christian praying has more power to move the hand of God, than a million unbelievers doing the same. The faith-filled prayers of Christ-followers reach His “ears” in a powerful way. Whether one lone voice or a stadium full; whether one alone in her home, or in a group of 3 or 4, heartfelt and faithful prayer was powerful enough to grab the attention of the Creator of the universe for the healing of one insignificant grandmother (me). Amazing. Although I think most of your prayers were said for my healing, God took your heart’s cries and created in me unbelievable peace and joy as a result. When we pray, our part is to have faith…believe in God’s promises. His part is to be true to His Word in response to that faith and those prayers. He will be…and He was! Four days have passed since having had my thyroid and parathyroid partially removed. The diagnosis? No cancer! (Now the question is this: Did He heal the cancer because you prayed, or were your prayers the instrument He used to bring us peace even though I did not have cancer?). There is no such thing as a futile prayer. Whatever God’s purposes in this ordeal, He is getting the glory because your prayers were powerful and effective! My heart is in awe of Him and grateful to you. I will never again believe that my lone prayer doesn’t matter. Because I know from experience it does!

Read
Psalm 32:1-5
Matthew 10:29
Matthew 17:20-21
Acts 4:32-35
James 5:15-18
Reflect
*Are you weary of praying for the same thing over and over?
*Do you believe God wants to say Yes?
*Find a passage of scripture on prayer, memorize it, and claim is a promise from God
*Who can you begin praying for on a regular basis?
*How can you draw nearer to God daily in order to strengthen your faith?

Respond
Our great and glorious God, how powerful you are. In our weakness you give us your strength. I am so blessed by friends who love me enough to bow the knee on my behalf. Never let me be unaware or uncompassionate when my awareness and compassion might cause me to pray on behalf of one of your children. Your love is beyond what I can fathom; for that I am so in awe of you.

June 20, 2010

Lessons from the Scary Place2

Just a few days before my scary news, I was seriously contemplating not writing any more devotionals. I didn’t know if more than a few people were reading them. During that time of contemplation, I received some scary medical news and decided to share it in a devotional, which would be perhaps my last one. Your responses were very surprising to me. I had received dozens of replies encouraging me not only that you were praying for me, but that I should keep writing; so many saying that they have been impacted by the devotionals in the past. Some begged, “please don’t stop,” almost as if they knew what I was contemplating (God knew)! Below is a copy of my personal journal as I walked through the process of understanding God’s will for me in this area of writing. It reveals the defeated state of mind I was in just prior to my cancer scare and how God used a simple question from my brother, as well as your loving responses, to point me back to God’s purposes.
Excerpt from my Journal, March 24, 2010

In the midst of the waiting to hear if I have cancer, my brother Mike called to pray with me and give me a challenge. He asked me to identify what God was saying to me about my destiny (not a word used a lot in Christian circles, but one which resonates with my desire to know God’s purpose for this time in my life). Mike said he would pray for me according to how I answer that question. Great question. If I can identify the answer to that question, it will give me the resolve to dream, and to work at fulfilling those dreams. Lord, what is my destiny? What are your dreams for me. I am sad to say that some ugly and negative thinking on my part has been going on for a long time. I have believed that:

•No one is interested in my writing
•I don’t have anything creative to say
•I’m too old be of value
•I won‘t live a long life
•I might as well retire, settle in, and just give up on my dreams

Lord, I see now that all these have been lies from Satan. My lack of confidence does not hinder You from using me, neither does my age or anything else. As long as I know the Word, I have plenty to share.

As I’ve been praying today, you’re telling me that I cannot give up on having purpose – a destiny! 2 Corinthians 5 (especially vss. 18-20) has been a clear call on my life since 2007 and it’s what I’ve been passionate about all my Christian life, since day one (10/24/72). It reads,

“All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.”

I realize now that this ministry of reconciliation has been and still is my destiny. So, however I choose to use it, or however God chooses for me to express it, my destiny (purpose) is sharing with others the message of reconciliation through Jesus. Whether it is done through writing, speaking, teaching, leading, evangelism or just living, it is my ministry to others, for God’s glory, in fulfillment of who I am – this alone will satisfy my desire for significant ministry in the lives of others. This alone identifies my purpose right now…my destiny for His glory. Thank you, Lord, for clarifying the truth:

•I am not too old (As long as I have breath, I have purpose)
•I am filled with God’s Spirit
•I am to do what He leads me to do and leave the results to Him
•I am to step out in faith and He will work

This journal entry best expresses the process I went through to abandon the lies of the enemy. That plan as Christ’s ambassador still involves encouraging and exhorting, through sharing and writing.

Eric Liddel, who ran in the 1924 Olympics said, “I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure.”

When I write for His glory, I feel His pleasure.
How about you?
•When do you feel God’s pleasure – for what purpose were you made?
•Now the challenge: What has God called you to do that ensures you will feel His pleasure?

I am grateful God doesn’t leave us to figure it all out on our own, but has put in each of our hearts a desire to carry out whatever his destiny is for our lives.

June 10, 2010

Lessons from the Scary Place

It has been 8 weeks since I moaned my way into the emergency room, knowing I was having another kidney stone attack. A CT scan to determine where the stone was lodged resulted in the discovery of 5 small lung tumors. Another CT scan to pinpoint the size and position of the lung tumors reveal a thyroid tumor The lung specialist was concerned I might have thyroid cancer spread to the lungs. I thank God for that scary place because He revealed three major life lessons to me which I’d like to share with you in 3 installments, starting with the first below. Because of their length, I will send the second and third lessons one week apart.

Lesson 1: The Oil of Hope

It seems I am continually tested in my faith with regard to finances. One would think that after so many years of financial woes, and having seen God provide, that I would have finally reached a point of continual trust in this area. Sadly, not so. One evening I spent a couple of hours sorting through the medical bills. I compared them to the insurance summary of benefits, noting that, to my dismay, at the completion of my tests on my parathyroid, I will reach my $8,000 maximum out of pocket expenses for the year. I racked my brain for a way to pay these debts. In my fury to get a handle on the problem, I considered an additional job and perhaps selling my house. When I had come to the end of myself and my resources, God said, “Let go.” I realized then that I had no choice but to give the problem to God and trust Him to provide. Isn’t it odd how we hang onto our problems trying to feverishly find ways to work them out, until we come to the end of our own rope of reliability before putting them into the hands of the One who has wanted to relieve us of the burden all along? So, that evening, with an attitude of helpless resignation, I took out my checkbook and wrote out a payment toward one of the smaller bills – a lab fee of $201.

As I was signing my name to the check, I suddenly had this incredible sense of God’s presence and peace, along with what I call a nano-vision (mind picture) of thick, pure, olive oil flowing abundantly into a very large jar. Now, I’m not accustomed to having visions, so when I do, I know it’s God getting my attention. I turned in my Bible to 2 Kings 4:1-7 for the account God was prompting me to read. In this story, a woman’s husband had died, leaving her with no resources. She cried out to the prophet Elisha (vs.1), “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that he revered the Lord! But now his creditor is coming to take my two boys as his slaves.” In response to her plea, Elisha asked her what she had in her house (to pay the debt). She replied, (vs. 2) “Your servant has nothing there at all … except a little oil.” Elisha instructed her to send her sons to ask all their neighbors for jars, and to keep asking until they collected many. He told her to take her “little oil” and fill all those jars until there were no more to fill. With obedient faith she went into her house, closing the door behind her and poured and kept pouring her “little oil” into those jars…all of them. The oil did not run dry until the last jar was filled. With the profits from the sale of the oil, she could pay her debtor, and she and her sons could live on the sale of the remaining oil for the rest of their lives. God, in His faithfulness, provided a miracle and a promise as she trusted in Elisha’s wisdom and God’s power.

I could relate to this widow. She, too, was helpless to solve her problem on her own, but God had intervened.

The moment I put pen to check, and God brought this story to my mind, I knew without a doubt that He was going to provide for every check I would write. He put on my heart as a promise, that as I trust Him with my “little oil,” He will deposit the “oil of His provision” into my jar. I need not worry, He will do according to His promise to ensure my medical bills get paid. Really, God, you love me that much! Why did I worry? His presence and peace in our moments, days and years of financial vulnerability is of greater worth than any wealth or self-sufficiency we have.

As I muse about this sweet encounter with the Spirit of God, I am reminded that our Father hears each submitted plea for help. He responds with His promises to provide — and to my joy, He has already fill my jar with an abundance of oil – the oil of hope.

Read
2 Kings 4:1-7
Matthew 6
James 4:1-3

Reflect
- In what circumstances do you feel helpless?
- Have you asked God to intervene? If not, what is it that holds you back from asking?
- What can you do right now to set things right so that you will hear God’s voice and respond in obedience?
- Are you waiting and getting restless for the answer? Delve into His Word and receive His promises by faith, then let go.

Respond
Lord God, you are my provider. It is often in our helplessness that you want to show your glory and power and amazing love for your children. Help me to let go of it all and trust that you will take care of me. If there is anything in my life that is hindering my prayers, please show me, Father, so that I can set my heart aright with you and see your power.


May 2010

Unpredictably Predictable

Words like however and but are such nebulous, inconclusive conjunctions. They make a statement less sure. In my case, after waiting 3 weeks to learn whether or not I have thyroid and/or lung cancer, those words followed my diagnosis, making me initially unsure.

Today I met with my Pulmonologist who read both biopsy reports to me. The thyroid biopsy found no malignant cells. Woo hoo! Elation! Short-lived. The word, however, came next. However, they cannot say positively that I don’t have cancer in the tissues; But, we can presume the thyroid nodule is benign (huh?). I was referred my PCP to figure out what comes next (treat it, remove it, whatever – I’ll know soon).

What about the tumor in my lung? Those results were also very good. No malignancy was found in the tumor that was tested – Yay! Tears of joy and relief—again short-lived. But they can’t say for sure there is no cancer in my lung because there are five tumors, not one as I previously thought. Only the largest was tested. So, all things considered with my health, the fact that I haven’t smoked in 35 years, and the benign diagnosis of that one tumor, it seems likely I do not have cancer in my lung. Next steps: watch the five of them and see if they grow. I will have another CT scan in July.

I predicted that I would be saying to you today, “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is!”[1] Instead, I am faced with the fact that this journey is not totally over yet. There is a major lesson in this scenario that is making itself obvious as I write.

Life is not predictable! What, in our average 77.8 year life span, can we truly count on? Truly rely upon—no questions, no doubts.

As I’ve been waiting and praying and resting in the Lord these weeks, I’ve been focusing on His promises … specific promises (some are listed below in the “Read” section). These we can count on because they are God’s words, and God is predictable. His Word, His character, and His residence in our hearts are predictable if we have put our faith in Jesus. He is a Father who sacrificed His own Son so that we could rely on and predict with certainty that no matter what life holds He is here, He is love, He will bring us through—on this side of eternity and on the other.

Isaiah 54:10: “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant (promise) of peace be removed, ‘says the Lord,’ who has compassion on you.” – That’s predictability! So with that in mind, I give my always-can-count-on-Him Lord my praise for this unpredictable yet superb outcome – no malignancies. I will continue to thank Him for His healing, as well as for you, my dear friends and faithful prayer warriors, who have consistently shown me your concern, love and support. Next time I will share how you have specifically impacted me through this process. I do thank God for you.

Read
Isaiah 40:21-26
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
Ephesians 1:11-14
Romans 5:3-5

Reflect
Are you in a seemingly endless struggle with a fearful end in sight? How can God’s predictability get you through it?

Pray
I give you praise, my good and holy, loving Father. Thank you for the reminder that only you are predictable. That is because you are wholly true and fair and good, and everything you say and do can be counted on. Thank you for this good diagnosis and for carrying me through the fear and anxiety of what might lie ahead. Thank you for friends whose prayers moved your hand in my favor. You are good. You are worthy of praise and glory. Amen.


April 2010

Take A Breath

Writing spiritual blogs or devotionals is kind of a double-edged sword for me. On the one hand, in writing them I am privileged to sharpen my spiritual gift of encouragement (exhorting), while on the other I make myself accountable to you by striving to be more than words, but to live what I believe to be true. With that in mind, I’m not sure what you are about to read is really a devotional. It’s more of a journal, a reminder to me of what is true about our God.

In January’s devotional, “A Scary Prayer for 2010” I shared about my subtle move toward complacency in 2009. Life had been good, God had been blessing, yet I missed the nearness of Him that I felt during difficult times. I had challenged you to pray the “scary prayer” with me, and I heard from some of you that you did! That prayer involved asking the Lord to shake up our worlds and challenge us out of our comfortable, complacent lifestyles. We had no idea how He would do it, but by faith we put our relationship with Him back into His hands to do whatever He knew would be best for us (while praying at the same time, ‘Lord have mercy’).

I began to wonder if this dependence on Him would involve going on a short term missions trip to break my heart for what break’s His heart…that was one thought, and something I feel He is calling me to do. Another thought was, would more dependence on him mean leaving my comfortable and blessed lifestyle here in Colorado Springs to move to Florida near Carolyn and family, where I would need a job, housing, a church, and friends. I’m praying about both those challenges.

In the meantime, shortly upon finishing that devotional, I heard the Lord’s still small voice saying, “Simply lean in closer to my heart” — and I have. It’s been a wonderful couple of months of spending more quality time with Him, sensing more of His presence and counsel; seeing deeper into His heart for me, and allowing Him to take me to some tough emotional places in order to grow me beyond my present spiritual understanding.

The first real test of my resolve to lean on Him came yesterday. At 2:30 in the morning I woke up with terrible kidney and abdomen pain. I knew what it was. I’ve had two surgeries to remove or blast kidney stones in the last 5 months. Kristi picked me up at 7 a.m. and drove me to the emergency room where I was given morphine for the pain and a CT scan. As the doctor was going over the results of the scan with me, he informed me that I had a blockage from a 7mm stone, too large to pass, and that I needed surgery right away. After giving me a minute to absorb the news, he said, “Another thing…we found something else on your CT scan which you’ll need to have checked out in the next week or so. There is a mass on your lung that wasn’t there 5 months ago.” A MASS??!! On my lung?!

While recovering from the surgery today, I’ve had time to think about what may lie ahead. I am praying it’s something minor – perhaps residue from my recent bad cold, or from H1N1 in November. For the past couple of years I have had issues with breathing, conscious to take deeper breaths. Asthma has been to blame. Whatever the issue is with my lungs, God is in control; of that I am confident. I’m not scared yet, but I certainly am clinging to Him because whatever it is, a “mass” cannot be a good thing.

As I was thinking about it, a phrase from Lamentations circled my mind several times, “Though He brings grief, He will show compassion.” I opened my Bible and looked it up. The entire section reads, “For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion. So great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.”

I decided to focus more on the upside of the verse “He will show compassion,” and “So great is His unfailing love,” than on the downside, “He brings grief.” Been there, done that . . . not fun.

I will make an appointment for a more thorough CT scan this week to find out exactly what it is, but of course, cancer is the first thing that entered my mind, considering the past invasion of it upon my family. My sister and father both had lung cancer. My precious mom-in-law had ovarian cancer and died just 18 months after my sweetheart, Mark, died of prostate cancer. Yet, I won’t get ahead of myself. Whatever is down the road, God is even farther ahead on that same road, preparing a way for me. “He does not willingly bring affliction.”

Because prayer moves the hand of God, I’m praying. Interestingly, prayer is what the Lord put on my heart to spend more time doing and investigating in 2010. I’ve read one book and am about to start another on experiencing the power of God through prayer. Hmmm.

There is another passage that the Spirit keeps whispering to me today… Isaiah 41:10, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

I love God’s Word, don’t you? What comfort, joy and peace it brings.

I know I’m not alone in the “fearful anticipation” department. You also may have a frightening “mass” in your life today. We can both be confident that He is there with us as we face it. He wants us to be dependent on Him. He walks with us through our fears and sorrows and those things that get us all tangled up in anxiety. He asks us to give Him our burdens and to trust Him with the outcome.

I am confident that when a diagnosis comes back, I can count on His great love for me, as well as His truth, and His power – what more could I want? What more could you want? Let’s both take a deep breath and trust.

Read
Lamentations 3; Psalm 91; Isaiah 41; Matthew 6

Reflect
Remember how He has taken care of you in the past
Reflect on answered prayer
Rest in the truths from His Word
Trust that He knows what is needed in your life to draw you near to His heart

Respond
Father, I am confident that whatever “mass” I am facing today which might cause fear or pain, cannot overcome or overshadow what you offer me. You promise to strengthen, encourage, give hope, and fight the battle with and for me. Give me courage and wisdom in whatever lies ahead. I trust you. May your will be done. Amen.


March 2010