Writing spiritual blogs or devotionals is kind of a double-edged sword for me. On the one hand, in writing them I am privileged to sharpen my spiritual gift of encouragement (exhorting), while on the other I make myself accountable to you by striving to be more than words, but to live what I believe to be true. With that in mind, I’m not sure what you are about to read is really a devotional. It’s more of a journal, a reminder to me of what is true about our God.
In January’s devotional, “A Scary Prayer for 2010” I shared about my subtle move toward complacency in 2009. Life had been good, God had been blessing, yet I missed the nearness of Him that I felt during difficult times. I had challenged you to pray the “scary prayer” with me, and I heard from some of you that you did! That prayer involved asking the Lord to shake up our worlds and challenge us out of our comfortable, complacent lifestyles. We had no idea how He would do it, but by faith we put our relationship with Him back into His hands to do whatever He knew would be best for us (while praying at the same time, ‘Lord have mercy’).
I began to wonder if this dependence on Him would involve going on a short term missions trip to break my heart for what break’s His heart…that was one thought, and something I feel He is calling me to do. Another thought was, would more dependence on him mean leaving my comfortable and blessed lifestyle here in Colorado Springs to move to Florida near Carolyn and family, where I would need a job, housing, a church, and friends. I’m praying about both those challenges.
In the meantime, shortly upon finishing that devotional, I heard the Lord’s still small voice saying, “Simply lean in closer to my heart” — and I have. It’s been a wonderful couple of months of spending more quality time with Him, sensing more of His presence and counsel; seeing deeper into His heart for me, and allowing Him to take me to some tough emotional places in order to grow me beyond my present spiritual understanding.
The first real test of my resolve to lean on Him came yesterday. At 2:30 in the morning I woke up with terrible kidney and abdomen pain. I knew what it was. I’ve had two surgeries to remove or blast kidney stones in the last 5 months. Kristi picked me up at 7 a.m. and drove me to the emergency room where I was given morphine for the pain and a CT scan. As the doctor was going over the results of the scan with me, he informed me that I had a blockage from a 7mm stone, too large to pass, and that I needed surgery right away. After giving me a minute to absorb the news, he said, “Another thing…we found something else on your CT scan which you’ll need to have checked out in the next week or so. There is a mass on your lung that wasn’t there 5 months ago.” A MASS??!! On my lung?!
While recovering from the surgery today, I’ve had time to think about what may lie ahead. I am praying it’s something minor – perhaps residue from my recent bad cold, or from H1N1 in November. For the past couple of years I have had issues with breathing, conscious to take deeper breaths. Asthma has been to blame. Whatever the issue is with my lungs, God is in control; of that I am confident. I’m not scared yet, but I certainly am clinging to Him because whatever it is, a “mass” cannot be a good thing.
As I was thinking about it, a phrase from Lamentations circled my mind several times, “Though He brings grief, He will show compassion.” I opened my Bible and looked it up. The entire section reads, “For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion. So great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.”
I decided to focus more on the upside of the verse “He will show compassion,” and “So great is His unfailing love,” than on the downside, “He brings grief.” Been there, done that . . . not fun.
I will make an appointment for a more thorough CT scan this week to find out exactly what it is, but of course, cancer is the first thing that entered my mind, considering the past invasion of it upon my family. My sister and father both had lung cancer. My precious mom-in-law had ovarian cancer and died just 18 months after my sweetheart, Mark, died of prostate cancer. Yet, I won’t get ahead of myself. Whatever is down the road, God is even farther ahead on that same road, preparing a way for me. “He does not willingly bring affliction.”
Because prayer moves the hand of God, I’m praying. Interestingly, prayer is what the Lord put on my heart to spend more time doing and investigating in 2010. I’ve read one book and am about to start another on experiencing the power of God through prayer. Hmmm.
There is another passage that the Spirit keeps whispering to me today… Isaiah 41:10, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
I love God’s Word, don’t you? What comfort, joy and peace it brings.
I know I’m not alone in the “fearful anticipation” department. You also may have a frightening “mass” in your life today. We can both be confident that He is there with us as we face it. He wants us to be dependent on Him. He walks with us through our fears and sorrows and those things that get us all tangled up in anxiety. He asks us to give Him our burdens and to trust Him with the outcome.
I am confident that when a diagnosis comes back, I can count on His great love for me, as well as His truth, and His power – what more could I want? What more could you want? Let’s both take a deep breath and trust.
Read
Lamentations 3; Psalm 91; Isaiah 41; Matthew 6
Reflect
Remember how He has taken care of you in the past
Reflect on answered prayer
Rest in the truths from His Word
Trust that He knows what is needed in your life to draw you near to His heart
Respond
Father, I am confident that whatever “mass” I am facing today which might cause fear or pain, cannot overcome or overshadow what you offer me. You promise to strengthen, encourage, give hope, and fight the battle with and for me. Give me courage and wisdom in whatever lies ahead. I trust you. May your will be done. Amen.
March 2010
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