I used to joke that my spiritual gift was “suffering.” Of course it was tongue in cheek because I am keenly aware that others have and are going through so much more pain than I will most likely ever experience. Having said that, it is also true that we can’t compare our sorrow against someone else’s. It’s our pain. We own it. It’s valid in its own right. The important thing is what we do with it. How we handle it.
Following my surgery in June, I wrote an update (Scary Prayer3) praising God that not only do I not have cancer, but that during that season I was profoundly lifted up by the prayers of friends. Since that update, I have been unable to write, except in my own journal. Why? Soon after the surgery I began feeling a deep and uncontrollable sadness, an unidentified sense of loss. In my desperation to understand why I was on the verge of tears all the time, I spoke with a counselor friend who suggested that I ask God to show me what losses or wounds needed God's touch, perhaps to be grieved, as well as what lies of the enemy I was believing that needed the light of God’s truth. As I prayed and sought counsel, the reasons for the sadness started to emerge.
Over the last couple of months, God has shown (and is still revealing) very old wounds that I had not fully grieved. It is so odd that after all these years, suddenly I’m faced with pain from the past. Why now? I don’t have an answer, except to say that most likely, during the several weeks of my contemplating the possibility of dying from cancer, God was answering your prayers and mine for my healing. God wants our entire being to be whole: spiritually, emotionally and physically. Ecclesiastes 3 states that for everything there is a season: “A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.” This must be my season.
After my husband, Mark, died of cancer in 2003, I grieved his death for years. However, there were many painful memories of our life together that I refused to look at. I would shut those memories out as soon as they started to pop into my thoughts. I avoided thinking of them so that I could prevent the sorrow the memories brought with them … until three years ago.
I had been asked to speak in a chapel service where I was working at the time. I thought it might be a good idea to share a part of my story that would give my coworkers an idea of where I came from and what God had done for me during a difficult time in my life. During my 30 minute talk, I could feel the stress in my body. The emotion was so deep that afterward I thought I had wept through the entire talk, but I hadn’t wept at all. After sharing, I left the room and within 10 minutes suffered a mild heart attack – the doctors called it Broken Heart Syndrome, which is caused from a “sudden emotional event.” In the days following the heart attack, it was clear to me that I needed help with this problem of avoiding tough memories…yet I did nothing about it.
One of my favorite things about our loving Father is that He knows our heartfelt needs and will orchestrate events in our lives to make a way to meet those needs. It appears He has chosen this season to open His arms to me and say, “Come to me, give me your pain, allow the grief, it will not kill you. I will heal you.”
At the start of this process, God led me to the Bible, the epistle of James, a book I had studied for months and had written a Bible study on 25 years ago. He spoke to me through a passage I knew well, but this time instead of it being an admonition to forsake sin and repent, it was a personal call for me to face the reasons for my sadness with Him by my side.
James 4:7-10 reads, “Come near to God and He will come near to you…Grieve, mourn, and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom … Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up.” He was giving me permission to mourn.
Isaiah 43:19 is another passage that continues to give me hope. “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”
So there it is, a background for future stories. As God permits, I will share what He is teaching me on this path of healing. I invite you to come along, to comment, to share what He is doing in your heart if you, too, allow Him to come in and heal your wounds.
By His grace and for His glory,
Sandy
August 28, 2010
Following my surgery in June, I wrote an update (Scary Prayer3) praising God that not only do I not have cancer, but that during that season I was profoundly lifted up by the prayers of friends. Since that update, I have been unable to write, except in my own journal. Why? Soon after the surgery I began feeling a deep and uncontrollable sadness, an unidentified sense of loss. In my desperation to understand why I was on the verge of tears all the time, I spoke with a counselor friend who suggested that I ask God to show me what losses or wounds needed God's touch, perhaps to be grieved, as well as what lies of the enemy I was believing that needed the light of God’s truth. As I prayed and sought counsel, the reasons for the sadness started to emerge.
Over the last couple of months, God has shown (and is still revealing) very old wounds that I had not fully grieved. It is so odd that after all these years, suddenly I’m faced with pain from the past. Why now? I don’t have an answer, except to say that most likely, during the several weeks of my contemplating the possibility of dying from cancer, God was answering your prayers and mine for my healing. God wants our entire being to be whole: spiritually, emotionally and physically. Ecclesiastes 3 states that for everything there is a season: “A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.” This must be my season.
After my husband, Mark, died of cancer in 2003, I grieved his death for years. However, there were many painful memories of our life together that I refused to look at. I would shut those memories out as soon as they started to pop into my thoughts. I avoided thinking of them so that I could prevent the sorrow the memories brought with them … until three years ago.
I had been asked to speak in a chapel service where I was working at the time. I thought it might be a good idea to share a part of my story that would give my coworkers an idea of where I came from and what God had done for me during a difficult time in my life. During my 30 minute talk, I could feel the stress in my body. The emotion was so deep that afterward I thought I had wept through the entire talk, but I hadn’t wept at all. After sharing, I left the room and within 10 minutes suffered a mild heart attack – the doctors called it Broken Heart Syndrome, which is caused from a “sudden emotional event.” In the days following the heart attack, it was clear to me that I needed help with this problem of avoiding tough memories…yet I did nothing about it.
One of my favorite things about our loving Father is that He knows our heartfelt needs and will orchestrate events in our lives to make a way to meet those needs. It appears He has chosen this season to open His arms to me and say, “Come to me, give me your pain, allow the grief, it will not kill you. I will heal you.”
At the start of this process, God led me to the Bible, the epistle of James, a book I had studied for months and had written a Bible study on 25 years ago. He spoke to me through a passage I knew well, but this time instead of it being an admonition to forsake sin and repent, it was a personal call for me to face the reasons for my sadness with Him by my side.
James 4:7-10 reads, “Come near to God and He will come near to you…Grieve, mourn, and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom … Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up.” He was giving me permission to mourn.
Isaiah 43:19 is another passage that continues to give me hope. “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”
So there it is, a background for future stories. As God permits, I will share what He is teaching me on this path of healing. I invite you to come along, to comment, to share what He is doing in your heart if you, too, allow Him to come in and heal your wounds.
By His grace and for His glory,
Sandy
August 28, 2010
Thanks Sandy,
ReplyDeleteBill and I have been feeling a great sense of loss and grief lately. It's like life and the world is passing us by. Not sure what, if anything can be done to change it.
Ann,
You are an inspiration to me Sandy :) Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteSo grateful for your encouragement! Ann, you are an inspiration and a woman of courage.
ReplyDeleteAuntie, thanks for your gift of inspirational writings.
ReplyDeleteTo open yourself up and invite so many into your life to share in your life experiences, feelings and emotions, is courageous and brave.
I'm so proud to have an auntie like you and I am truly inspired by you, as I know so many others are as well.
Hi Sandy.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are taking these comments re. how inspirational you are as truth. All of us experience high and low points in life. For you to be so transparent gives us license to feel and not feel guilty. As Christians, shouldn't we always be joyful? Probably. But that isn't our human reality. Joy should be the hallmark of our gratefulness to God for our wonderful salvation. Joy isn't always the hallmark of our on-earth emotions though. Thank you for your honesty. I praise God for you in my life.
I am the blessed one. You encourage me to keep being real. My next posting may be more real than you want...it's the hardest day I had during Mark's breakdown. God carries me through those years.
ReplyDelete